6 Things You Should Know About Eating a Crab Curry: an extract from Curry and Bread by Pravasan Pillay

 6 Things You Should Know About Eating a Crab Curry

 

1. A crab curry – given the per kilo price for crabs – is one of the most expensive Durban-style curries to make. It’s also an intimate dish that involves using your hands and mouth a lot, what with all the loud biting and crunching of shells and the sloppy chiselling out of crab meat with your thumb – i.e. it’s not exactly a first-date dish. So, if someone cooks this curry for you or invites you over to share one, you can be sure that they really like you and are super comfortable around you. You should probably marry this person.

2. Eating a crab curry is, apart from working on an oil rig, one of the messiest activities known to humankind. Crab juice and curry squirts everywhere, into your eyes, onto the person sitting opposite you. It dribbles down your chin, arms, and it stains your clothing. Crab curry stains are harder to get out than an in-form Hashim Amla, so it’s strongly advised that you purchase a special T-shirt, to be used only for eating crab curry. Of course, you could also use a bib or napkin but those items are best left for amateur crab curry eaters. After several years, your crab- eating T-shirt will be a beautiful patchwork of built-up curry gravy stains, a sort of abstract impressionist painting of poor table manners.

3. Warning: no matter how proud you are of your crab curry T-shirt, never ever show it to visitors to your home. It is not, as this author has sadly learnt, the conversation piece you think it is.

4. A perfect crab curry is brown-red in colour and its gravy is thin yet deeply rich in flavour, both sour and spicy at the same time. In fact, a good crab curry is so hot that it should cause your eyes to tear, your nose to run, and your scalp to sweat. Tip: if your wife, husband, or partner is emotionally distant, feed them crab curry every day and they will be bawling their eyes out in no time. That’s right, crab curry could very well save your relationship.

5. In terms of etiquette, it’s acceptable, and indeed expected, to stick a crab leg into your mouth and to loudly suck out the delicious, curried juices. However, it is not acceptable to blow into the crab leg, pretending that it’s a saxophone and that you are John Coltrane.

6. After you have eaten a crab curry, its gravy will have, crab T-shirt or not, left its mark and odour on your body. Thus, it is strongly advised that you take two showers. The first shower should be taken in conjunction with a powerful sheep dip as a disinfectant to get rid of any trace of the curry. Once dried off with a towel, you should take a second shower to rid yourself of the poisonous sheep dip which has now likely seeped into your skin. A little sheep dip poisoning is par for the course when eating crab curry, so ignore the retching and think fondly of your next crab feast.

Curry and Bread by Pravasan Pillay is available from Made in Durban, Clarke's bookshop in Cape Town, and select Exclusive Books branches in Gauteng and Durban.